I am afraid of being alone the rest of my life. There. I said it out loud. The ‘problem’ is, I really like my life. I enjoy having complete and total freedom and not having to seek anyone’s approval on what to do, how to do it and where the money goes. And every time I hear a friend complain about their spouse, I think I am the most fortunate person on earth. Because I am. And I would like someone to share it with.
All of these feelings are surfacing and exploding because I am in the process of moving to another state and looking for the perfect home. Since I have no one else I need to please in the process, it should be easy, right? One would think. Only I have noticed this about myself before when it comes to buying big appliances. I have put off the decision because there isn’t anyone with which to debate the right size, make and model. What if I make the wrong choice? What if there is something I didn’t consider? Have I really looked at all the options? What difference does it make? It is not life and death, yet somehow going without getting something new, fabulous and functional seemed to serve me better than making the wrong choice. So, back to home buying.
I found two homes that are perfect for me. One that is perfect for the current me who wants to live artfully simple and uncluttered. And one perfect for the future me who has a significant other and needs two walk in closets and a double-sink. I am very proud of myself for recognizing my limiting beliefs and choose the house for the future me. I love it! I start hosting parties and arranging my things in my head. It is a wonderful, extravagant life and I deserve it! I am giddy. Then the sale doesn’t go through. The buyer suddenly decides she needs an extra 6 months in the home. Fantastic! That means the other house is the perfect choice for me ~ living simply, artfully and unfettered. Only wait. Now that means I am sending a message out to the Universe I do not want to share my living space. Now what do I do? I say I am living for today and I will deal with my soulmate when the soulmate appears, but the ease of resale would be a little more complicated with this particular home.
I am debating this entire scenario with my son and as soon as I mention the limiting closet and bathroom space my eyes well up with tears. Tears are nothing new for me, my son knows they are quick to surface whether I am talking about something happy, sad, funny or anywhere in between. Only in this case, I wanted to sob, to release the floodgates and allow the years of pent up frustrations and sorrow to wash through my body. Yet I hold them back since we are sitting at the Village Inn in Mesa and I don’t want to worry him or the elderly around us. I wasn’t sure if I started if I would be able to stop. Why is it whenever the emotions are there, the timing isn’t right and when I save it for later, the right opportunity never comes? I know I have struck a central chord and will need to address it if I am to make a breakthrough. I pull myself together and move away from the topic. Later when we are in the car, he looks at me and with a very tender loving look says, “So why do you think you reacted that way?” I tell him it is because I generally do not give voice to my fear of being alone. He assures me a house is not going to inhibit my finding a partner. I am reminded how very fortunate I am, and that although I do not have a significant other, I am never truly alone. I am loved.
I wrote this several months ago with hopes that it would shed clarity on the whole house buying process and it did. I am happy to report that I found the perfect house for me for the present moment and yes, it does in fact have a double sink in the bathroom and a little extra space in the walk-in closet. I can look back and see there was never anything to fret about, there is always another choice. So if the choices that stand before you do not measure up and feel right, look for another alternative. In fact, you can look at every moment of your life in hindsight and see there was never anything to be concerned with, it always works out beautifully. So why not go into every situation with joy and happiness and enjoy the unfolding of your story.
Yup, that’ll do it. You have my appreication.