Musings on Joyful Living

Don’t Say It Unless You Mean It ~ 3 Tips on Living in Integrity

by Sheila

Words are extremely powerful, they have the ability to build up or tear down, inspire or deflate, inflict pain, guilt and wound, or soothe, mend and heal. Yet as humans, we can throw our words about without much intention or thought to their impact. At times, we toss them around as carelessly as we throw out the trash.

I have heard that in order to live authentically, it requires ultimate self-care which includes accepting that at times you will disappoint others. And the process of disappointing or being disappointed tells us a lot about ourselves – how we negotiate, solve problems and treat others even when we are disappointed and things don’t necessarily go our way.

I invite you to consider your response when you are disappointed.  Do you employ tactics to bully, inflict guilt, shame and berate or do you handle it with dignity, honor, understanding and compassion.

Here are three tips to consider for successfully maintaining your integrity in times of conflict:

1. Choose Your Words Wisely – pay attention to the intention behind your words and make sure they are true to form and what you really want to relay. Remember to pause and breathe, you do not have to respond until you are ready.

2. Consider Your Emotions When Selecting Your Words – are you letting your hurt feelings or jealousy control the show? Is it causing you to say things you otherwise would never dream of saying?

3. Make Sure the Medium You Use Will Deliver the Message You Intend – face to face, email, text and phone – each one has pros and cons. Much can be misconstrued with the abbreviation of a text, and tone and inflection can easily be misread in email. Yet written can often serve you well to be able to complete your thoughts and intentions without being interrupted or thrown off track. Face to face can be wonderful for reading body language, yet may produce fear from speaking your truth. I find that often times I need a mixture of writing and conversation in order to fully explain myself. And in the end, if I am still misunderstood, I realize I am not responsible for other people’s opinions of me. Everyone has a right to believe what they believe.

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  • Great reminders about the power of words, and how our thoughts create our feelings, create our responses. There are times I wish I could rewind what comes out of my mouth! But the more I am able to take a deep breath and really think about the response and if my emotions are aligned, it helps! Thanks for the great post!

  • Thank you for this timely article. I find that it’s my energy I need to be aware of when I get disappointed by someone. So my body language then would show it. I probably look (and feel) closed off.

    On the other side of the coin, I am someone who hates to disappoint. I want to make everyone feel happy, welcome, accommodated. So I’m working on this and I love how you said it is about self-care. Setting boundaries for ourselves and our wellbeing.

  • “I have heard that in order to live authentically, it requires ultimate self-care which includes accepting that at times you will disappoint others.” This is so true. When I began practicing radical self-care, I had to get comfortable with disappointing others, which isn’t easy for a someone with the disease to please. I started by being late to things and learning to be ok with it. It was a small thing, and I was never more than 5 minutes late, but it helped me break my pattern and allowed me to live more authentically.

  • I consider myself someone who lives in integrity, however I struggle with the tips you give here – that is, if I even give them enough time for consideration in the moment of feeling a hurt or disappointment! Patience is a trait I admire in others and often eludes me. A former mentor suggested I employ a ‘7-second pause’ before reacting to anything! Your post is an excellent reminder to place attention in the moment vs. staying confined to my emotions. Thank you.

  • Thank you, women, you are all so wise and loving; I appreciate that this message resonates with you as I so value your perspectives. A 7-second pause is a great idea, Maddy. Laura, starting out with small disappointments is a good way to ease into it, thanks for that, and I think many women have the disease to please – but we can support each other to get through it. I had a friend drop out of a commitment she made and because I could tell it was truly in her best interest, I was proud of her and the courage and strength it took to be true to herself even if it meant disappointing others. I find it very inspiring when people live that authentically. Love to you all!

  • What is in a WORD!! So. much POWER! And what is in the misunderstanding of a word? Pain. Conflict. War. It ASTOUNDS me the power in communication. It astounds me that in many cases, especially when pain is felt, how fraught with misunderstanding which moves to pain which moves to fight it becomes. I so appreciate this post and its guidance, Sheila. I think communication is an Art form of the highest degree. I LOVE Marshal Rosenberg’s the Art of Non-Violent Communication. If everyone learned those tools, what a different world it would be. I still get caught. It astounds me how fast a situation can go awry. Going to print out piece and send it to a few people I know.
    Thank you!

  • What a timely post. Lately, I have been really paying attention to what and how I say things, so your tips could not have come at a better time. And I love what you said “I realize I am not responsible for other people’s opinions of me. Everyone has a right to believe what they believe” this is so true. Thanks for such a great post.

  • great advice- especially around the holidays when we are all stressed out from too much shopping, eating, and holiday cheer.. it is important to remember when we get stressed and are likely to react without thinking, to “think before we speak, and breathe before we act.” It makes a world of difference in our actions, and how people perceive us..
    thanks!

  • I am so much better about this than I used to be – but there are still times that my “edit” button is more off than on. Most of those instances are when I am stressed or tired. It’s then that I am more focused on serving myself, my wants or needs and not on the other person or even on the message I am trying to convey. It’s clear to me after reading this that it is in those very moments that I am not likely to be following any of your tips!

  • Such timely words! I was delivered news tonight that, at first, I found terribly disappointing. I wanted to cry and berate my friend for going back on his word. I want to sling insults as to how unfair he was being. I was feeling jealous — left to wonder how other women seem to have things under control and have people bending over backwards to go out way out of their way for them. Thankfully, I said none of those things. I realized, although I had a TON of emotion surrounding the information, my friend was truly in integrity regarding his finances. He was simply stating what was true for him, not making a judgement call of me and my worthiness. The wonderful thing is we are able to have amazing open dialog and get to the truth of the matter. When all was said and done, I’m so thankful for my insight and ability to recognize overwhelming amounts of disappointment have very little to do with the present circumstance. Thanks for this timely post!

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